Grocery Shopping
by Abigail-Nicole
Summary: Ginny and Draco, a tentatively engaged couple, attempt to risk the couple-breaking task of... grocery shopping. Will they survive?


**Grocery Shopping**

**Summary:** Ginny and Draco go groccery shopping. Need I say more?  
**Notes:** Not mine. Not. Mine. I just thought this was a funny-as-heck fic idea.  
**Co-written by Danelle.** (cause I used some of her dialogue and was inspired by various G/D...or anti-G/D... MSTs). Written in script format because it's easier with all dialogue.

* * *

**Draco:** _(turning around to stare at the automatically opening doors)_I didn't think Muggles used magic.  
**Ginny:** _(getting a shopping cart)_ They don't. It's got the carpet. When you step on the carpet, the door opens.  
**Draco:** How come you get to push the cart?  
**Ginny:**Cause I'm better than you.  
**Draco:** No you're not.  
**Ginny:** Do you want me to marry you or not?  
**Draco:** ...Love bites.  
**Ginny:**You better believe it, buster.   
**Draco:** But I get to pick out the items.   
**Ginny:** Fine. How much harm could you cause, anyway?  
**Draco:** Do you _really_ have to ask that question?  
**Ginny:** Should I be worried?  
**Draco:** Should we stop speaking in questions?  
**Ginny:** Why?  
**Draco:** Argh!   
_They begin to walk through the aisles and Draco begins throwing random things into the cart. Ginny winces but keeps her mouth closed and moves onto another topic._  
**Ginny:** Do you have the shopping list, anyway?  
**Draco:** Shopping list?  
**Ginny:** Yes, shopping list. You know, a list of items that you need. What you go shopping for.  
**Draco:** I know what it is! I'm not stupid, woman.  
**Ginny:** Could of fooled me.  
**Draco:** Ah, but that's not hard to do anyway, is it? _(pulls out shopping list)_ Eye of newt?  
**Ginny:** Turn it over.  
**Draco:** _(reads)_ 'Paper towels,' wouldn't those be hard to dry yourself upon?  
**Ginny:** You don't dry yourself with them. You clean up spills with them.  
**Draco:** It's called 'sarcasm'.   
**Ginny:** Really?  
**Draco:** No.  
**Ginny:** We need to stop.   
**Draco:** We need hot dogs.  
**Ginny:** Hot dogs?  
**Draco:** Yes. We don't have any. And we don't have any grape jelly, either.   
**Ginny:** When do you eat grape jelly?  
**Draco:** That's not the point.  
**Ginny:** Why don't we buy some things we actually need? Like a good set of dishes.  
**Draco:** What's wrong with the family china?  
**Ginny:** Um, I refuse to serve food off that. It's probably cursed.  
**Draco:** Hey! Only five people have died at dinner while I've been there, and we washed the silver afterwards.  
**Ginny:** And I reiterate, we need new dishes.  
**Draco:** What is baloney anyway? And why is it spelled 'ba-log-na'?  
**Ginny:** It's made up of all the leftover animal parts.   
**Draco:** I refuse to buy these inferior quality products.  
**Ginny:** That's nice. _(tosses the baloney in the cart)_  
**Draco:** I'm not eating it.  
**Ginny:** Kids love baloney.  
**Draco:** What kids?  
**Ginny:** What, you don't want to have kids?  
**Draco:** ...is there a safe way to answer this question and be right?  
**Ginny:** I love watching you squirm.  
**Draco:** I always knew redheads were sadistic.  
**Ginny:** I prefer the term 'commanding'.  
**Draco:** Same difference.  
**Ginny:** Ooh, look. Tampons are on sale.  
**Draco:** That's not a mental image I needed or wanted.   
**Ginny:** You asked for it.  
**Draco:** A guy makes a comment and he gets feminine-ness shoved in his face. Not fair.  
**Ginny:** Who said life was fair?  
**Draco:** Hey, don't we need more popcorn?  
**Ginny:** Are you changing the subject?  
**Draco:** No, we really do need more popcorn.  
**Ginny:** Don't get caramel.  
**Draco:** It's 'car-mel'. Not 'car-a-mel'.   
**Ginny:** Tomato, toh-mato.  
**Draco:** Potato, pah-tato!  
**Ginny:** What are you going to do, break into song?  
**Draco:** We go together like!  
**Ginny:** Okay, never again am I taking you to a public place.  
**Draco:** It's just a grocery store.  
**Ginny:** Yes, but that old lady by the cat food is staring at us.  
**Draco:** That's because she thinks I'm sexy.  
**Ginny:** Never speak again.  
**Draco:** Awww, do I sense jealousy from my ickle Ginny-kins?  
**Ginny:** Don't make me kill you in the grocery store.  
**Draco:** They might sell me for lunch meat.  
**Ginny:** Wonder how much it'd be.  
**Draco:** That is mildly disturbing.  
**Ginny:** You brought it up. It would be rather satisfactory to hear you crunch between two slices of wheat.  
**Draco:** White.  
**Ginny:** Wheat.  
**Draco:** White.  
**Ginny:** Wheat!  
**Draco:** This is going nowhere. Let's get twelve loaves of each.  
**Ginny:** Twelve?  
**Draco:** Do we have room in our cart for all that?  
**Ginny:** _(staring at the cart Draco has piled up)_ I think you've gotten a little carried away with this buying in bulk thing.   
**Draco:**I have not.   
**Ginny:** You have an twelve pound tube of hemorrhoid cream.   
**Draco:**I have a condition.   
**Ginny:** And a two-hundred pack of paper towels.   
**Draco:** BOUN-TEE!   
**Ginny:** And six hundred rolls.   
**Draco:** Mmm, carbs.   
**Ginny:** Seek help.   
**Draco:** But it's thirty five box of spaghetti noodles, for a DOLLAR! A DOLLAR, Ginny!   
**Ginny:** And what are you going to cook with them?   
**Draco:** I'm sorry, me? Cook? You mean you.   
**Ginny:** You better be hiring a chef, then.   
**Draco:** You don't love me enough to cook for me?   
**Ginny:** Not thirty-five boxes of spaghetti. And just what do you intend to clean up with those paper towels, anyway? Are you going to spill all the hemorrhoid cream and then clean it up?   
**Draco:** Waste not, want not.  
**Ginny:** Oh, that's rich, coming from you.  
**Draco:** Are you implying that I'm wasteful?  
**Ginny:** Why are you buying five cans of fish food? We don't even have a fish.  
**Draco:** It's for the supply closet.  
**Ginny:** You could feed a third world country with that supply closet.  
**Draco:** That is the general idea.  
**Ginny:** Of course, your house really is a third world country. It's really big, really old, and has lots of nasty people living in it.  
**Draco:** Your in-laws to be.  
**Ginny:** I'm starting to reconsider this whole marriage thing.  
**Draco:** Oh, come on Ginny. You haven't lived until you've seen the Necromancy Hallowe'en Party.  
**Ginny:** Oh, fun. Why don't we go to my family's house for Hallowe'en?  
**Draco:** What, and miss Zombie Breakdancing?  
**Ginny:** That settles it.   
**Draco:** Fine. But my family is Christmas!  
**Ginny:** Um, can't we do something harmless, like Chinese New Year, with your family and everything else with mine?  
**Draco:** And miss the Annual Death Eater's Christmas Party?!   
**Ginny:** ...  
**Draco:** Chinese New Year...yeah, that's when they renew vows to the Dark Lord, I think.  
**Ginny:** Is there a safe holiday at your house? St. Patrick's Day or something?  
**Draco:** September 20th is National Talk Like A Pirate Day.  
**Ginny:** And you say I memorize useless facts.  
**Draco:** Hey, what other day of the year can you go around talking like Johnny Depp?  
**Ginny:** 'Talk like Johnny Depp Day'?  
**Draco:** When is that?  
**Ginny:** You're clueless. Are we ready for checkout yet?  
**Draco:** I haven't got my Lucky Charms!  
**Ginny:** You eat Lucky Charms?  
**Draco:** They're magically delicious!  
**Ginny:** Can I kill something?  
**Draco:** Sure. Let's go for the checkout girl.  
**Ginny:** Only after she rings us up. Otherwise we'll be here all day.  
**Draco:** Why do they have fifteen lanes and only two of them are ever open?  
**Ginny:** Another of life's little mysteries.  
**Draco:** Like where my other black sock went.  
**Ginny:** Are you wearing only one black sock?  
**Draco:** One is green, one is black.   
**Ginny:** And you say I dress weird.  
**Draco:** Sure. Why are you wearing...blue jeans?  
**Ginny:** If you haven't noticed, this is a Muggle grocery store.  
**Draco:** I've probably contaminated these robes by now--I'll have to burn them.  
**Ginny:** You never change, do you?  
**Draco:** Some things will never change. But some things do.  
**Ginny:** Don't. Ever again.   
**Draco:** What?  
**Ginny:** You're not Morpheus, and you can't pull off the Matrix.   
**Draco:** You were the one who took me to see it.  
**Ginny:** And I will regret it forever more.  
**Draco:** There is no spoon!  
**Ginny:** Are you quoting Eddie Murphy or Neo?  
**Draco:** The checkout lane's open! Run for it! [He starts running towards the checkout lane]  
**Ginny:** [yelling] Don't make me yell at you!  
**Draco:** [to himself] Too late.  
**Ginny:** You act like a five year old. You really do.  
**Draco:** Oh, go shove it up your nose on a Tuesday.  
**Ginny:** _What?_  
**Draco:** Just a figure of speech, dear.  
**Ginny:** There's something frightening about endaring nicknames applied to you.  
**Draco:** To me?  
**Ginny:** Fine, by you. But applied to you is amusing, as well. Hmm...Drakey-muffin-sweetums. I think it's actually quite nice.  
**Draco:** Can we just pay already?  
**Ginny:** Okay, Drakey-sweetie.  
**Draco:** Growl.  
**Ginny:** Did you just say 'growl'? One doesn't say growl. One merely growls.  
**Draco:** _(walking up to the checkout girl)_ Hi.  
**Checkout Girl:** Um, hi.  
**Draco:** Well, aren't you going to wish me good day or something?  
**Checkout Girl: **No, I actually think that comes after I check you out.   
**Draco:** Oh. Well hurry up with it, then!  
**Ginny:** Please excuse him.  
**Checkout Girl:** Um, okay. [begins to scan items]   
**Draco**: Um, I think you scanned the rolls twice.  
**Checkout Girl:** Oh, my bad. I'll go back and check. [momentary pause] No, I don't think I did.   
**Draco:** Well, be careful, okay?   
**Checkout Girl:** I will. [begins to scan the remainder of the items]  
**Draco:** Hey, those spaghetti noodles were on sale. It had a big sign up beside of it saying so.  
**Checkout Girl:** Well, it's not in the computer.  
**Draco:** Are you trying to rip me off?  
**Ginny:** Here we go again.   
**Draco:** There was a sign next to the spaghetti noodles—a thirty five box for a dollar. Should I go get the sign?   
**Checkout Girl:** I'm not saying that I don't believe you, I'm just saying it's not in the computer.   
**Draco:** Can I talk to the manager?   
**Ginny:** Not this time, no way.  
**Checkout Girl:** No, please. It's my first day. Can I just take it off your bill?  
**Ginnny:** Please do._ (glares at Draco)_  
**Checkout Girl:** Will that be all for you, then?  
**Draco:** You didn't ask me if I had any coupons.  
**Checkout Girl:** You're supposed to have them when I'm checking the items.  
**Draco:** Are you telling me what to do?  
**Ginny:** Not this again.  
**Checkout Girl:** I'm sorry, okay? Do you have any coupons?  
**Draco:** Yeah, here they are. See? Here's one for the spaghetti sauce--  
**Checkout Girl:** But sir, this is the wrong brand.  
**Draco:** Well, that's a bunch of bull. What's the difference, anyway? Are you telling me that I can't use these?  
**Checkout Girl:** Not with Prego, I'm sorry. You could exchange them for a different brand.  
**Draco:** But _the other_ brand was fifty-two cents cheapter!  
**Checkout Girl:** But if you buy three, you can get one ten off the entire purchase.  
**Draco:** What's the difference?  
**Ginny:** It comes out to be exactly the same.  
**Draco:** Is one better than the other?  
**Ginny:** Are you asking me or her?  
**Draco:** I don't care! I want the best deal, here!  
**Ginny:** Why do you care about the family fortune? ...no, let me guess. You're trying to be obnoxious.  
**Draco:** My life's goal.  
**Ginny:** Congrats.  
**Checkout Girl:** Is that all the coupons for you, sir?  
**Draco:** Did I _say_ that those were all of my coupons? Here's some for the toilet paper, see, _and_ it's the right brand.  
**Checkout Girl:** But this only applies to the thirty-six pack. You got the fifty-two pack.  
**Draco:** What is it with coupon makers these days?! Is it totally impossible to find a coupon for what you need?!  
**Ginny:** Are you saying that to the world at large? Because I don't think it's answering.  
**Draco:** And here's one for the cat food.  
**Checkout Girl:** But sir, you didn't get any cat food.  
**Draco:** I know. But isn't it a cute little cat? Awww. Look at the fluffy cat.  
**Checkout Girl:** Sir, I have other customers behind you--  
**Draco:** I'm not done yet!  
**Ginny:** You're out of coupons.  
**Draco:** I...dang it, I am.  
**Checkout Girl:** Your total is 145.23. Will that be cash, check, or credit?  
**Draco:** Ginny! What do I do?!  
**Ginny:** Credit, thanks. _(slides card and pays)_  
**Checkout Girl:** Here is your card and have a nice day!  
**Draco:** We get to keep the card?  
**Ginny:** Yes, you ignorant little moron.   
**Draco:** Hey, what happened to the loving me thing?  
**Ginny:** It flew out the window. Remember the old lady who thought you were sexy? Well, I think she's getting ready to pelt cat food at you, so I'd either run or duck if I were you. But of course, if I were you, I'd be a snarky bastard and you'd be gorgeous and charming, so there's no way that's possible. Let's just leave.  
**Draco:** Had our daily dose of wit and sarcasm this morning?   
**Ginny:** You can buy me on tape, you know.  
**Draco:** They really will do that for anybody these days.  
**Ginny:** Let's go before I'm tempted to act on my constant thoughts of impaling you with something sharp.


End file.
